Broken Hearted

I do not know what a broken heart feels like because I have never been in a relationship that caused my heart to be broken. But, I have seen people who have had their hearts broken. People who have planned on spending the rest of their life with a person and the other person felt otherwise. People who have had their hearts broken so badly that they thought they would never recover. Those people who have spent so much time thinking that if only he or she had loved me, things would be okay. Those who have been heartbroken know that gross feeling where part of you is missing and you would do anything to get it back.

The closet I have had to having my own heart broken was the phone call I got that dreadful October day 8 years ago that told me one of my favorite people in the whole world died, my grandfather. My heart broke in love for him, as I knew I would never see him again.

Today I was teaching about the crucifixion to my 8^th grade Bible class and I came across some information that made me step back. I learned that most who died in the terrible death of crucifixion died of suffocation or asphyxiation. My God Jesus did not die that way. Jesus died of a broken heart. My Lord’s heart ruptured on the cross. A heart that is a symbol of love and compassion was breaking. God’s

Exposed and broken heart reveals to me a God who passionately pursues His chosen with unbroken love from a broken heart. Some people will go to extremes to patch up shattered relationships. But nothing matches God’s pursuit of me one of his people.

Our 7^th grade Bible teacher was teaching Hosea today and like the prophet Hosea God continues to have a relationship with sinful and adulterous me. Most importantly, when I think of my own relationship with God, the full impact of this Hosea is experienced in identifying not just with Hosea but also with Gomer. I was created to not naturally desire God; I am fallen and full of sin. I am drawn toward willful independence and disobedience, and I don’t want God to be the sovereign Lord of our lives. In my fallenness and sinfulness (total depravity) I find it humanly impossible to make God Lord of my life. God always has to come to me first as my Savior and Redeemer, buying me back. The awe I live in is that God came to earth in Christ and on Calvary He is atoned and is atoning for MY sins and reconciling ME to himself. It is through the broken heart that I see, feel, and know God’s redeeming love.

We never really know how much a person loves us until we know how much they are willing to suffer for us. God loves me a whole lot because I am fallen, unlovely, and condemned. My only hope is God’s love and grace—through that broken heart. Jesus’ pure and perfect heart was broken so that my own heart may be clean. This clean heart wants to give you the love, honor, and praise you deserve.

Give me one pure and holy passion

Give me one magnificent obsession

Give me one glorious ambition for my life

To know and follow hard after You

Not a Whisper but a Song

The last 5 days of my life God has used music to touch my soul. Some of the songs I knew song I did not.

Saturday: Song 1: Only Grace By Matthew West

Saturday I had great aspirations to clean my house, rake the leaves, clean my car, and get some real stuff done. But, my body was full of body and stomach pains that changed my plans for the day. I spent most of the day moving from the couch to my bed. I laid on the couch listening to some music. I looked at the window to my right and saw the sun shinning in the window. The combination of the window and the sun made a huge cross. There I sat in my dire, gross, disgusting state in the light of the cross and hearing the words of the song Only grace.

There is no guilt here There is no shame 
No pointing fingers 
There is no blame 
What happened yesterday 
has disappeared 
The dirt has washed away 
And now it's clear

There's only grace 
There's only love 
There's only mercy 
And believe me it's enough 
Your sins are gone 
Without a trace 
There's nothing left now 
There's only grace

Sunday: Song Two: While I am Waiting

I slept in on Sunday and went to church with a friend. I was sitting in my car in the parking lot and I said a prayer before walking into church. I prayed God I need to hear you today. I need to know you are there. I walked into church sat down opened my Bible and read a passage I do not remember even where it was from all I remember is it telling me he was there. The music started playing and the first song we sang at church was MY song While I am Waiting. Followed by that song was strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. I needed that message and heard that message again. The last 8 months God has over and over again told me to wait. Not sure what I am waiting for but I know at the end of waiting on the Lord is always goodness, blessings, and joy.

Monday: Song Three: I do not even know what it is called.

This is the weirdest thing that happened to me. I was laying in bed like I always do before I go to bed I was praying. I prayed for the Lord to speak to me that night. I turned the TV to my favorite station 975: The Light Christian music. A station that plays all Christian music all the time. The song that was on I am almost positive was called Silence. I laid there listening to the lyrics and chorus and I started crying. It was almost as if God wanted me to turn the TV on and hear that exact song. The weirdest thing is I looked today for half an hour for the song online. I can not find it anywhere. The artist I thought who sang it sang no such song The words of that song were my life. The Lord saying sit in silence as you wait for me to answer what you are asking for. I am here even though the prayers feel like they are going up in vain. I have you in my hand even though it may not feel like it. The Lord was telling me that he was near I just needed to trust. Now I am praying to hear the song again. Maybe it was no song at all but God coming through the TV to speak to me.

Tuesday: Song 4: What Faith Can do by Kutless

This was a big day for the Pella Christian Eagle Volleyball Team. I heard this song before getting out of my car on Tuesday morning. The Eagle Volleyball team that I am the assistant coach for played the #8 rated team in the state that night. We the Eagles were not rated. We had 14 loses and the opponet has 3. We were the underdog. For those of you who were not at the game we did not just win we won quite handlely. God was good to the Eagles last night. These were some of the lyrics that I heard

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end

Even when the sky is falling

And I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard

Impossible is not a word

It’s just a reason for someone not to try

Everybody’s scared to death

When they decide to take that step

Out on the water

It’ll be alright

Life is so much more

Than what your eyes are seeing

You will find your way

If you keep believing

Overcome the odds

You don't have a chance

(That’s what faith can do)

When the world says you can’t

It’ll tell you that you can!

There is more. I was emailing my mom after the game and told her that we get to play the number 1 team in the state next week at the state tournament. She heard the words of this song and said to me “We are not in Control” Trust God. So as the Eagles face Goliath next Thursday we trust that with God and faith we do have the power to move mountains.

Wednesday: Song 5: Your Hands: JJ Heller

In the joys of life I just had one of those days today. Lately there has been a couple things that I have wanted so badly in life and just feel like God keeps saying NO. As I keep striving to live in the will of God I still find it hard to trust. I have a great friend. Someone I can say is only in my life because it was the Lord who brought us together for such a time as this. She has had her world rocked to the core yet she is faithful, encouraging, and strong. She is weathering the storm. She sent me this song. A song I needed today. A comfort song on one of those days when life throws you junk.

I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble I wish wasn't there

And I have asked a thousand ways

That You would take my pain away

That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand

How to walk this weary land

Make straight the paths that crookedly lie

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth

You healed the broken, lost, and hurt

I know You hate to see me cry

One day You will set all things right

Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave Your hands

Your hands

Your hands that shape the world

Are holding me, they hold me still

Your hands that shape the world

Are holding me, they hold me still

May these songs bless your life as the God who gave them to me blessed me through them.

At the mountain of God, Horeb, Elijah came to a cave, where he took shelter. But the word of the LORD came to him, “Go outside and stand on the mountain before the LORD; the LORD will be passing by.”A strong and heavy wind was rending the mountains and crushing rocks before the LORD—but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake—but the LORD was not in the earthquake.After the earthquake there was fire—but the LORD was not in the fire.After the fire there was a tiny whispering sound.When he heard this, Elijah hid his face in his cloakand went and stood at the entrance of the cave.

We often look for God's voice to manifest itself in some large, flashy way, like a bolt of thunder. Like in this scripture passage, however, God's voice is often much quieter, a whisper even, and we need to be quiet as well to hear it.

The last 5 days God was not in the whisper but in song. Thank you God for music and speaking to me through it!